Manipulating the game of the Universe

I will never forget when I heard those words…

It collapsed my paradigm to the core of my being for sure. I keep repeating this phrase again and again as if I am digesting every ounce of the power that words are carrying…​

I had spent, at this point, about 40 years of my adult life as well as child life waiting for something to change.

Except I was doing nothing to change it…

​I was not committed enough to the move.

On a surface level, I was taking action to interrupt my pattern to change my awareness and tendency, behavior.

I started to take meditation seriously in the morning and in the evening to really make a change in my life.

What I didn’t realise is that I subconsciously have been choosing not to change.

There have been so many opportunities to change, and lots of invitations for new selves to be born.

But I turned it down with nanosecond. I didn’t realise it was even an opportunity for change.

My muscle identify it as an enemy to the zone of my acceptance so fast that my judgment was so quick and I didn’t have space to think and move.

I was manipulating the game of the universe. I was manipulating the rule so that it fits the narrative deriving from my past experiences.

I was saying I am craving for change, but I became so romantic to staying where I was, and became so attached to my previous self, keeping the same paradigm that I was not listing to the message that has been showering over me.

I was frozen…

Paralyzed…

Stuck…

That was the reality, but I had contaminated thinking and my lens was so clouded that ​I honestly believed myself actually positively taking action for change although I was not guided to where I wanted to be.

And I knew something is not aligned that needs a dramatic shift.

A slave to all the thoughts in my head… and they were so dark!

All these experiences are evidence I collected to define my identity as a drowning victim, developing a tendency to become so good at victimizing myself.

I am not normal, I am broken. I am done.

I was floating in the middle of the ocean HOPING someone would come to save me…

Actually, there were plenty of people there willing to help me while I was weeding out who is the right candidate to save me.

​I wanted someone who can get me out of the sea without me taking the effort to move. I saw a lot of hands out to help me out, inviting me to take it and lift me up, but it requires me to do my part grabbing and lifting up myself.

I refused to do that. I badly wanted someone to lift me up and get me out of the ocean.

I was sending an indirect message to my family by doing really badly in academics to attract attention, hoping they will notice something is wrong with me and do something about it.

I didn’t talk to my mum for nearly 6 months when I was 16 because I was not living with my mum, and she was struggling with her business so she didn’t visit me as often as she used to that takes our opportunity away for communication.

The undertow, though, of my action is that I didn’t want to admit face to face that I needed help because I knew deep down that I am the one to stand up.

They saw my grades going down and me always looking so tired. They are there for me, but what they did was create a container, telling me you are all good, you are smart, and you should be fine.

Luckily, no one did. So I continue to be the drowning victim, then I dropped to hit the bottom…

And then it happened…

I was listening to one of the podcasts and he was kind of in a similar boat, articulating so well what his condition was when his being collapsed.​

Stop manipulating the game of the universe!

The impact hit me so hard that I immediately stopped listening and start reflecting on my own life with the intention to process all the experiences that I went through as a drowning victim.

I wanted to become clear in the process of digesting my pain, sorrow, resentment, shame, and guilt as such.

Then I realised for the first time…

• It was me who chose to refuse the help…
• It was me who chose to be the drowning victim…
• It was me who chose to feel pain even deeper…
• It was me who chose to drown deeper…
• It was me who chose to disengage with people…
• It was I who chose to create an environment I was in…

This awareness hit me so hard that I vividly remember when it happened.

Having this awareness helps me navigate my being to where I want to be instead of where I was magnetised to be.

It used to be the case as if I was gravitated to become unhappy when my words say otherwise.

I was inviting others to drown together as if I wanted them to understand my pain…

But now I knew that the dark side exists within me and that its potential power of it has a strong impact that can cause collateral damage.

I realised that the dark side is not going away, rather it requires me to practice muscle to navigate it, tame it, and keep it under my control…

Now I am living with this awareness. And I am not scared of my being and I feel more aligned with my life because I am clear about what to do with my dark side and what has driven my life in the past.

It does not mean I don’t get triggered by my dark side. But I get triggered less often and it does take less time to remind me of the awareness that helps me wake up to do what needs to be done.

This battle is ongoing and it sometimes still feels hard and hurting, but I tell myself to focus on my future self to guide me instead of my past self to cement my feet.